I wrote a song and I would like some opinions?

Here it is :



"One way ticket to Imagination" by me



Verse 1:

As I walk down candy cane lane

I see a boat station shaped like a crane

The boats are made of buttered toast

And the driver looks like a ghost



Chorus:

Purple Alligators in the sea

Their bright green eyes staring up at me

In my hands, a black carnation

And my one way ticket to imagination



Verse 2:

Riding on the s.s. dream

All the trees are made of ice cream

Music floating through the sky

The animals talk and the plants sigh



Chorus



Verse 3:

Yellow skies and blue grass

The sapphire sun is made of glass

A little boy waving as we go by

Holding a little bucket and a handful of rye



Chorus



Verse 4:

Sadly, the boat ride comes to an end

I know for a fact I'll be back again

On to reality as it goes

But I'll never forget those...



Chorus (repeat)



Don't just diss the song, give ways on how to make it better

I wrote a song and I would like some opinions?
The first thing I would do is stop using couplets as your rhyme scheme. Meaning line 1 always rhymes with line 2. Most every beginning songwriter does it, and it instantly announces that you're inexperienced. If you try searching some of the song lyrics people write on Yahoo answers, you'll see that a huge majority of them do it. I'm not saying it should never be used but it's so common anymore, it's hard to make it sound fresh.



So, a quick way to fix it and keep the same meaning is switch some of the lines around so that the rhyme alternates. For example:



1 As I walk down candy cane lane

2 I see a boat station shaped like a crane

3 The boats are made of buttered toast

4 And the driver looks like a ghost



Could become this:



1 As I walk down candy cane lane

3 The boats are made of buttered toast

2 I see a boat station shaped like a crane

4 And the driver looks like a ghost. (boats have pilots or captains so you should change that too.)



You could keep the chorus in couplets and alternate the others. Another trick is to make line 1 and 4 rhyme and lines 2 and 3 rhyme, it won't work as well here without some tweaking, but it's something to think about for the future.
Reply:I think its really great. I also think you should expand upon it.
Reply:I think it's good. I don't know what kinda audience you wrote this for or what the melody goes like, but I think this song is cute. :) It does symbolize things + IDK if you were going for that or not but yea it's good.
Reply:thats cool but i think it might be a little too long, here is an idea sing verse one then the chorus, then sing two and three together, then the chorus and then sing verse four then do the chorus one more time, you should take your skill to another level, and i hope no one steel your words.
Reply:pretty good.
Reply:hey!!!its pretty kool.....but u might wanna cut it a bit short.......as in remove a verse or so........but its really up2 u 2 decide!!!!!

best of luck!!!
Reply:its a great start what i got out of it is that its a break up or you lost someone close to you. the butter toast is something you may like but the ghost seems that thing that was close to you is now gone. the aligator could signify thatyou are feeling preesured by your pears or are being watched in some way and the dead flower symbolizes a loss. the worlds colors are swiched earth is sky and sky is earth which may mean something has shaken your opinion and your confused about something possibly a break up?

the fourth vers kinda of tripped me up its like your upset that your no longer upset unless it wasn't you you were refferingto but an aquantence

lol thats the meaning i got from the song lol hope this was wprth a few good laughs lol but i think you have a strong foundation to expand the song and look deeper into the lyrics to creat a song layerd, full of hidden ideas and meanings

best of luck